Or did the words just spill out like drool on my pillow?
Because I was naked when you said those words
But I felt covered in your whispered worship
And as you passed out fast on my shoulder
I imagined a child
Waiting so sad and still for his mom to arrive
Did she leave you an orphan
In that big brown leather chair?
Said, “ Don't you move a muscle, kid
I'll be back in twenty years”
You were scared, you were lonely
But you must've been aware
Life is a series of callouses, this is just another layer
So build them up, tough it out, yeah, that's your skin
Don't let anyone under there
When you said you needed me, did you really need me?
Or was it just someone? Oh, you'd take anything
Am I first on that list of yours, or am I second, or third?
So who's that ahead of me, some harlot from Pittsburgh?
Or Detroit, Santa Fe, or San Diego?
I know you're so alone
But how much affection does one guy really need?
Did you date a lot in high school?
Were you always chasing girls?
Couldn't you find some young valentine
To steal your heart for good?
Were you content, or contemptible?
Are your memories pleasant?
Or is it a string of endless flings of bitter resentment?
Seems that what you want and what you need doesn't mean a thing
We're just here for the taking
When you said you'd hurt me, did you think you hurt me?
Are you really that cocky? Oh, what a heartbreaker!
Well, I've got my armor, yeah, I've been through some battles before
And I met your old girlfriend, she said, “Baby, don't bother”
She told me you told her you'd hurt her
Funny, how familiar
So how much of this relationship was rehearsed?
Did you act out as a child?
Were you always crying wolf?
Attention starved, you tried too hard
Just to get someone to look
Now you're the wolf in second-hand clothing
I'm the sheep in a pleated skirt
It's an awkward form of payback
But if it works for you it works
It's that I recognize your off-white lies
Still, I lie beside you, and that's what really hurts
When you said you'd leave me, well, why haven't you left me?
What are we still doing here, so desperate for company?
There's a greyhound on Jackson Street
There's an airport in Council Bluffs
Hell, there's a car in the driveway; fifty ways to get lost
But as I hold you and listen to you sleeping
I'm starting to wonder if you really believe
That you'd ever really leave
Would you leave me an orphan
In that big brown leather chair?
The one you've lugged around from town to town
For all these years
It's the trophy of your childhood
Like a shark's tooth or gator skin boots
But this one holds you prisoner; it holds me prisoner too
What we need to set us free is to let go of each other
Let go of everything
When I said I loved you, it was because I loved you
When I said I needed you, well, I really need you
Yeah, I guess you hurt me
For once you're a man of your words
Well, guess what? I'm leaving
I can't be your prisoner
I won't.."
Inmates - The Good Life
Forbidden to remember, terrified to forget; it was a hard line to walk.
New Moon, Stephenie Meyer
1. Somewhat Damaged - Nine Inch Nails
"How could I ever think?
It's funny how everything that swore it wouldn't change is different now
Just like you would always say 'we'll make it through'
Then my head fell apart, and where were you?"
2. Astronaut (A Short History of Nearly Nothing) - Amanda Palmer
"Is it getting easy to pretend
That life goes on without you in the wake
And can you see the means without the end
In the random frantic action that we take?"
3. Dying - Hole
"And now I understand
You leave with everything
You leave with everything I am
Withering
And now I know that love is dead
You've come to bury me..."
4. Never Is A Promise - Fiona Apple
"You say you'll understand - you'll never understand
I say I'll never wake up knowing how or why
I don't know what to believe in
You don't know who I am
You say I'll need appeasing when I start to cry
But never is a promise
And I'll never need a lie."
5. The Day After - Sunshine State
"Love will get you through anything
But a day like today
They tell me there's always more fish in the sea
This one got away...
On the day after, the future looks lonely
But at least now I'm too tired to cry..."
6. Early Winter - Gwen Stefani
"It's sad
The map of the world is on you
The moon gravitates around you...
The sun's getting cold; it's snowing
Looks like an early winter for us..."
7. Tallymarks - Thao Nguyen
"That same winter my old man made tracks
And I did too - but I came back
So don't don't don't explain love to me
Love love love is not why we leave...
I drop drop tears like tallymarks
And I'm keeping score, so I keep us apart
But I think I might miss you enough to say so..."
8. Brighter - Paramore
"Without you, I will feel so small
And if it ends today
I'll still say that you shone brighter than anyone
Now I think we're taking this too far
Don't you know that it's not this hard?"
9. The Grace - Neverending White Lights w/ Dallas Green
"Angels say they can make you suffer
Give and take like a vicious lover...
You're not coming back to me; these things, they will never be
I'm so used to being wrong - so put me where I belong
I'll get back to you - God knows I'll try
But I still lose..."
10. Done Wrong - Ani Difranco
"How could you beg me to stay
Reach out your hands and plead
Then pack up your eyes and run away
As soon as I agreed?"
11. Try Not To Breathe - R.E.M.
"I will try not to burden you
I can hold these inside
I will hold my breath until all these shivers subside
Just look in my eyes
I will try not to bother you
I have seen things that you will never see
Just leave it to memory, me
I shudder to breathe..."
12. All Dressed Up - Veruca Salt
"You don't even notice me
Moving you like a ton of glaciers
You don't even notice me
Soothing you like a long lost sister
No you don't even care...
I'm all dressed up, and you're just a song..."
13. Hey Jupiter (Dakota version) - Tori Amos
"No one's picking up the phone
Guess it's clear he's gone
And this little masochist is lifting up her dress..."
14. To Be Free - Emiliana Torrini
"Once in a house on a hill
A boy got angry
He broke into my heart...
It shouldn't hurt me to be free
It's what I really need to hold myself together
But if it's so good being free, would you mind telling me
Why I don't know what to do with myself?"
15. Wasted Time (live) - The Eagles
"And the hours go by like minutes,
And the shadows come to stay
So you take a little something to make them go away...
Sometimes to keep it together, you got to leave it alone."
16. White Flag - Dido
"I know I left too much mess and destruction to come back again
I cause nothing but trouble
I understand if you can't talk to me again
And if you live by the rules of 'it's over' then I'm sure that that makes sense
But I will go down with this ship
I won't hold my hands up and surrender..."
17. Maybe - Kelly Clarkson
"Someday, when we're at the same place
When we're on the same road
When it's okay to hold my hand
Without feeling lost
Without all the excuses
When it's just because you love me, you let me, you need me
Then maybe...
Should know better than to touch the fire twice..."
18. I Hope Your Heart Runs Empty - Neverending White Lights w/ Scott Anderson
"Stole a look away from your eyes
Stole a look and finally paid your price
Tethered fresh, trampled thoughts, look for me
Look at this face
Everywhere there's new mistakes..."
19. Try, Try, Try - The Smashing Pumpkins
"And we have survived
Try to hold on
And no one should deny
We tried to hold on to the pulse of the feedback current
Into the flow of encrypted movement..."
20. It's All Over But The Crying - Garbage
"Certain things turn ugly when you think too hard
And nagging little thought change into things you can't turn off
Everything you think you know baby
Is wrong...
Now I can't walk back
I can't leave behind..."
21. The Scientist - Coldplay
"Nobody said it was easy
Oh it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said this was easy
But no one ever said it would be this hard
Oh take me back to the start..."
22. Konstantine (live) - Something Corporate
"My Konstantine
I watch her spin around me like a dream
We played out on this movie screen
And I said
Did you know I miss you...
I'll always miss you."
"Bow down before the one you serve
You're going to get what you deserve."
Head Like A Hole - Nine Inch Nails
I admit it; for all of my griping about my last Nine Inch Nails show, the announcement of the NIN/JA tour and Trent's ominous "after this, Nine Inch Nails is going away indefinitely" blog had me glued to my computer on presale day, determined not to miss what might be my last chance at seeing a band that shaped my musical landscape from my teens forward. As much as I like to think that Trent's choice of words indicates that he will continue to make music, albeit released from the box of expectations associated with the NIN brand, I fear Trent has grown tired of the bullshit of the industry and fickle fans unwilling to embrace anything new. This astonishes me, as I'm of the opinion that The Slip was one of Trent's strongest albums to date; it delivered hard rocking tracks with biting lyrics, danceable tracks for nights at the rock club, and haunting melancholy pieces. Its one weakness perhaps is Corona Radiata, which isn't terrible, but is not up to par with other instrumental works he's done.
With this tour, a co-headliner with the reunited original line-up of Jane's Addiction, Trent has been treating fans to more varied sets night to night, a ban on the omnipresent Closer (a shame, since there are other songs far more in need of retirement, like Hurt), and breaking out songs that have been scarcely/never seen live. With minimal instrumental tracks, a plain stage show without visual effects typical for NIN tour set-ups and NIN NOT headlining, it was a very different animal from recent tours. That said, I'd have to declare this the best of the three shows I've seen.
This show, with a few set insertions/switches (Somewhat Damaged in lieu of March of the Pigs; The Wretched in lieu of I Do Not Want This; Dead Souls in lieu of Burn, which I love but have heard), was custom-designed from my dreams. Sure, I could have easily embraced other songs not played, but all of them have been done for me before, so I very easily will live. There were no instrumentals, no long periods of Ghost tracks, no weak songs. The set was incredibly hard and up-tempo. Best of all, I was graced with my favourite track of all, The Fragile. My set staples (Terrible Lie; Head Like A Hole; Gave Up) all made it that night, and the brain-dead clapping spider monkeys that ruined Hurt at my last show did not attend, it seems. Trent threw down microphone stands and his keyboard, tripped and fell in his angsty vigor, and generally belted his heart and soul out, with an extremely poignant whispered "Goodbye" as he left the stage. I truly feel the lack of restriction and repetition that comes with more elaborately staged tours did wonders for the performance in Toronto. If Trent is to return, with a new project or with NIN, I hope he leans towards a loosely structured stage show in the future.
The entire show was pretty much a highlight, but I'll point out a few tracks here that really stood out for me:
1,000,000: This track is stellar, classic Broken-esque NIN. How anyone can slag The Slip with this brilliant song being on the disc, I do not know. Coming off Terrible Lie into this track made for vicious headbanging delight.
Heresy: I'd never heard this one live, and it was incredibly good, a great crowd sing-along for the chorus in my area of the theatre.
I'm Afraid Of Americans: Despite my assuming that the earlier appearance of Metal would be our only cover of the night, in hindsight, this song's appearance shouldn't have surprised me at the one Canadian date of the tour. Trent really poured himself into this Bowie track, pretty much blowing the minds of the entire audience.
The Fragile: This song has an inredible significance to my own life, and did not disappoint me. The vocal delivery was appropriately soft at the start, growing in strength towards the peak at the end. Why oh why did I not see the tour for this album? It made for an incredible transition from I Do Not Want This, the contrast sharp between it and "Don't you tell me how I feel..."
Mr. Self-Destruct: This song was too hot for words. I'd never heard this either, and it's a favourite from The Downward Spiral for me. I think this was the track where I completely screwed the muscles in my shoulders and neck rocking out. It was worth it.
Head Like A Hole: Way back in grade ten, on the bus for a school trip next to my oblivious History class crush, said crush offered to share his headphones with me after I said I had never heard Nine Inch Nails. His mix tape of personal favourites began with this song, and from moment one, I was hooked. This needed to be in my goodbye show as a full circle moment. I actually found myself rather emotional, knowing the set was closing as my fandom had begun.
Hurt: I'm kind of tired of this song overall, but in the context of a goodbye tour, with such a fragility to Trent's vocals (and no off beat clapping), this moved me.
Well done, Mr. Reznor. Well done, indeed. Please don't go away for good. Enjoy your break, renew and revive your creativity, and I'm sure I speak for every fan who's attended this tour when I say I hope we see you again soon.
For the record, opener Street Sweeper Social Club was incredible, and I highly recommend you hit ninja2009.com and download the sampler for this tour, which includes all three bands on the bill. Due to work constraints I had to bail halfway through Jane's Addiction;s set but I have to say Perry Farrell is an incredible showman and their performance was tight. Check them out too!
SETLIST
Now I'm Nothing
Terrible Lie
1,000,000
Heresy
March of the Pigs
Metal (Gary Numan)
The Becoming
I'm Afraid of Americans (Bowie)
Burn
Gave Up
I Do Not Want This
The Fragile
The Way Out Is Through
Wish
Survivalism
Mr. Self-Destruct
The Hand That Feeds
Head Like A Hole
Hurt
Relevant in so many ways... Today would have been my grandfather's 70th birthday, if he lived to see it. And just as I was at a concert as he was passing slowly on, I will be at this band's show in 15 hours... For every loss, death or heartbreak, this speaks to me now.
away so slowly
you don't even notice till you've lost a lot
I've been like one of those zombies
in vegas
pouring quarters into a slot
and now I'm tired
and I am broke
and I feel stupid and I feel used
and I'm at the end of my little rope
and I am swinging back and forth
about you
before it gets so cold
that the rain turns to snow
there's just a couple things
I'd like to know
like how could you do nothing
and say, I'm doing my best
how could you take almost everything
and then come back for the rest
how could you beg me to stay,
reach out your hands and plead
and then pack up your eyes and run away
as soon as I agreed?"
Done Wrong - Ani Difranco
