8 posts tagged “depression”
It always comes back to music for me.
Music is my soundtrack to all of life's events, both trivial and tantamount to shaping who have become and am becoming. Music fuels me when nothing else can motivate me to keep pressing forward. Music makes me laugh, and cry. Music is cathartic, especially live. As Third Eye Blind once sang, "The four right chords could make me cry."
Music is there, even when it's 4am and no one's answering their phone or online. Music is fun and silly, and intelligent and challenging. Music can evoke a mood, or change it for the better.
Music is my oxygen.
Music can also take me back, certain songs triggering memories so succinctly that they feel real again, feel as if the events were unfolding right this moment. I can close my eyes and remember it all: the way I felt, how cold or warm I was, who was there and what we did. Certain lyrics will forever affect me, forever connect to certain people or places. Such is the case with Pictures of Success by Rilo Kiley. In late 2007, I suddenly found myself feeling suffocated by life, by my failed aspirations, by my own mood swings, and by the illnesses in my family, namely my grandfather and father. I had to escape. I had to leave town and recharge completely.
In the end, with a lot of luck, as if the universe understood what I was in need of, I found myself in California right before my birthday, and spent the actual day slinging back margaritas with some of my best friends in the world on a patio in Tijuana. It was perfect weather for me - late spring temperatures for my home city, with sunny skies and breeze. Everything about that trip was exactly as I wanted it to be. In the entire month of November, I'd blared Pictures of Success over and over, as if willing the fates to work out, singing along: "They say California is a recipe for a black hole/And I say I've got my best shoes on/I'm ready to go..." And I was ready. I walked away from that trip in late December, turning to my boyfriend and saying, "That was what I needed. I feel strong again. I feel ready to cope now."
That was December 17th, 2007. By December 1st, 2008, my foreboding feelings over my grandfather had proven terribly true, with my grandfather going from back pain to heart attack to cancer to terminal to passing away. So much can happen in a year, much more than we ever anticipate. I dare not consider how well I would have handled that year without that time in the sun, to breathe in the ocean air and revive myself.
And even now, as I miss him terribly, that song drifts into my head, to remind me of that strength I found. I wish I had a plane ticket now; I'm definitely ready to go, once more.
Another ling delayed request mix, one of a sadder nature, but one that was difficult only because of the sheer number of songs I can think of to listen to at such a time.
When things feel so shaky that the jagged edge of a cliff seems more secure... When the fetal position isn't a tight enough ball to disappear into... When you at once want someone to pick you up off the floor and carry you home and scream when anyone tries to move you from the safest place you could find to land... When it's time to break down, utterly and completely... Here are a few of the songs that play when I need to find the strength to cry it out, dust myself off, and pick myself up once again.
With love for L.
1. Strange Days - Matthew Good Band
"Good morning - don't cop out
You crawled from the cancer to land on your feet
Are you crazy to want this, even for a while?"
2. Little Suicides - Golden Palominos
"It happens in the smallest ways
It happens all the time
And if you've never had your sight,
What's it mean to be blind?"
3. Wise Up - Aimee Mann
"Prepare a list of what you need
Before you sign away the deed
'Cause it's not going to stop
'Til you wise up..."
4. The Living - Natalie Merchant
"I'll go off and make myself scarce
Come tomorrow you won't find me there
'Cause I don't care to stay among the living..."
5. Broken Glass - The Gathering
"Drop yourself in the grass
Breathe the air...
Hold on tight, don't fall down
Breathe the air through the water..."
6. Mad World - The Red Paintings
"I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very very mad world..."
7. Imaginary Friend - Chantal Kreviazuk
"Smelling dead flowers and listening to the walls again
I'm drinking from a leaky faucet
And writing with this dried up pen
Wish I still had my imaginary friend..."
8. Forestfire - David Usher
"I'm falling, faster than the waterfall
Opened up and after all
Can't you see I'm drowning
Right here in the open air?"
9. Bleed - Cold
"You can stop the world, but you won't change me
I need music
To set me free
To let me bleed..."
10. Recoil - Ani Difranco
"Little flashing zero on my answering machine
Rats scratching at my brain...
I'm going outside to watch the house burn down across the street..."
11. This Woman's Work - Kate Bush
"I know you have a little life in you yet
I know you have a lot of strength left
I should be crying, but I just can't let it show..."
12. A Long December - Counting Crows
"I guess the winter makes you laugh a little slower
Makes you talk a little lower
About the things you could not show her...
Maybe this year will be better than the last..."
13. Crayon and Ink - Allison Crowe
"In crayon and ink, what I understood least
Were these words not spoken out of fear of the law or self-sacrifice
And I never thought that confirmation would come into play..."
14. Barcelona - Jewel
"But if you could hear the voice in my heart, it would tell you
I'm tired of being this way
Won't you please hold me, release me,
Show me the meaning of mercy..."
15. LA Song - Beth Hart
"It's all I love, it's all I hate
It's all too much for me to take...
I'm out of my pain, so I'm going back to LA..."
16. Upside Down - Tori Amos
"I found the secret to life
I'm okay when everything is not okay..."
17. Counting The Stars - Andrea Florian
"These things do stick to me like glue
When the words won't come I'm no longer confused...
The unheard sirens that fall not from my mouth
They fall from my heart..."
18. God of Wine - Third Eye Blind
"She takes a drink and then she waits
The alcohol, it permeates...
I can't keep it all together..."
19. Out Here At Sea - Karen Kosowski
"Close the door, let no one in
You're empty but you're home
There's nobody here
I wish you were near..."
"I let the beast in too soon, I don't know how to live
Without my hand on his throat; I fight him always and still
Oh darling, it's so sweet, you think you know how crazy
How crazy I am
You say you don't spook easy, you won't go, but I know
And I pray that you will
Fast as you can, baby runfree yourself of me
Fast as you can
I may be soft in your palm but I'll soon grow
Hungry for a fight, and I will not let you win
My pretty mouth will frame the phrases that will
Disprove your faith in man
So if you catch me trying to find my way into your
Heart from under your skin
Fast as you can, baby scratch me out, free yourself
Fast as you can..."
Fast As You Can - Fiona Apple
It's often said that with age comes wisdom, that time heals all wounds, that we grow and mature...
I suppose that's how it's supposed to play out, but I can't say that holds completely true for myself. With every step forward. I find myself falling three backwards, or so it seems. With every kind gesture, I find myself fearibng the day I spitefully act towards the giver, shoving them forcefully back with words so harsh they wish they hadn't tried, all the while finding myself choking on and swallowing my foot, hoping the Heimlich fails this time.
Such venom from such supposedly pretty things is nature's way of being sneaky, of fooling us all. Is this natural then, or am I struggling to force it into a box, compartmentalize it neatly, and call a spade a diamond?
It took so long to get here
Now I'm saying things I swore I'd never say
and I'm afraid again
I thought I had it in me
I used to be so sure
There I was stronger than ever
And here I am blaming the hurt
And if I fall, I will find a way back to my hands
I'm the only one who can help me find my feet again
Sweet little fighter
Sweet little scar
Sweet little fire
in my heart..."
If I Fall - Tara Maclean
This song is the leading track on an album that has been a 'desert island' album for me for years, and though I often wander away from Tara Maclean at times, in the times where I'm just flat on the ground, needing to pick myself back up, I usually wind my way through her first two release, Silence (a brutal album of depressing songs, raging songs, and bittersweet love) and then move on to Passenger, lead off by IF I Fall, a song that always makes me want to arrange a road trip with friends and escape whatever has me buckled over weeping. The song feels like an answer to all of the soul searching and worry of her first disc, and is, as Tara once said, one of her few truly "happy songs".
Because really, when it comes down to it in the end, we all have to save ourselves. We all have to remember that we have picked ourselves up before, and continue to do so, the memories of our pains burned into our hearts like scars that will not heal, and yet buoyed by the knowledge that the wounds are survivable.
Dedicated to my Nanny....
Bravely you let go of my hand
I can't speak yet you understand
Where I go now I go alone
This path I walk these days of stone
[Chorus:]
I must go away
Wait for me here
Silently stay
And don't ask me why
Only believe
This is not good bye
All of my strength all my desire
Still cannot melt this breath of fire
I go to meet some kind of test
Bury the truth that scars my chest
And the angels are calling and calling
[Chorus]
I gathered all my courage
I shaved off all my fear
With this banner on my shoulder
I hold your essence near
And the angels are calling and calling and calling
[Chorus]
This Is Not Goodbye - Melissa Etheridge
You crawled from the cancer to land on your feet
Are you crazy to want this, even for a while?...
We're done lying for a living
The strange days are coming and you're
You're gone, you're gone
Either dead or drying
Either dead or trying to go..."
Strange Days - Matthew Good Band
It's the sort of song I turn to when I need to ease out of numbed autopilot existence, when I begin to emotionally shut down. And lately, even music can barely touch my heart. I know that this is the mind's way of coping with overwhelming duress, but for someone so governed by passion and emotion, it's a terrifying existence. I appreciate that it keeps me from buckling to my knees at work and screaming of the injustices I feel are being inflicted upon those I love, but when away from work, I don't sleep, I don't cry.... I don't feel alive.
One of us is dying. That is one too many. I need not join.
turn in sight
You're the target
you're the center
Find the key
lock the door
Close your eyes
for encore
Drop yourself
in the grass
Breathe the air
at last
Hold on tight
Don't you fall down
Breathe the air
through the water..."
One of the most gorgeously sad songs I know... The ebb and flow feels like waves, lapping at my feet under a moonlit sky, walking a beach... Ebb and fade away... I find myself dreaming of metaphorical drownings and know that I need a cleansing, a spiritual rebirth. I need fins. I need to sink into the depths, for resistance is futile in tsunamis of this magnitude.
I need to breathe under these murky waters...
