Empire Records: Open 'Til Midnight

High Fidelity 18: Somewhat Damaged

nobody@vox.com(Gothic Lolita) — Fri, 12 Jun 2009 20:51:34 -0400

Forbidden to remember, terrified to forget; it was a hard line to walk.
New Moon, Stephenie Meyer

1. Somewhat Damaged - Nine Inch Nails
"How could I ever think?
It's funny how everything that swore it wouldn't change is different now
Just like you would always say 'we'll make it through'
Then my head fell apart, and where were you?"

2. Astronaut (A Short History of Nearly Nothing) - Amanda Palmer
"Is it getting easy to pretend
That life goes on without you in the wake
And can you see the means without the end
In the random frantic action that we take?"

3. Dying - Hole
"And now I understand
You leave with everything
You leave with everything I am
Withering
And now I know that love is dead
You've come to bury me..."

4. Never Is A Promise - Fiona Apple
"You say you'll understand - you'll never understand
I say I'll never wake up knowing how or why
I don't know what to believe in
You don't know who I am
You say I'll need appeasing when I start to cry
But never is a promise
And I'll never need a lie."

5. The Day After - Sunshine State
"Love will get you through anything
But a day like today
They tell me there's always more fish in the sea
This one got away...
On the day after, the future looks lonely
But at least now I'm too tired to cry..."

6. Early Winter - Gwen Stefani
"It's sad
The map of the world is on you
The moon gravitates around you...
The sun's getting cold; it's snowing
Looks like an early winter for us..."

7. Tallymarks - Thao Nguyen
"That same winter my old man made tracks
And I did too - but I came back
So don't don't don't explain love to me
Love love love is not why we leave...
I drop drop tears like tallymarks
And I'm keeping score, so I keep us apart
But I think I might miss you enough to say so..."

8. Brighter - Paramore
"Without you, I will feel so small
And if it ends today
I'll still say that you shone brighter than anyone
Now I think we're taking this too far
Don't you know that it's not this hard?"

9. The Grace - Neverending White Lights w/ Dallas Green
"Angels say they can make you suffer
Give and take like a vicious lover...
You're not coming back to me; these things, they will never be
I'm so used to being wrong - so put me where I belong
I'll get back to you - God knows I'll try
But I still lose..."

10. Done Wrong - Ani Difranco
"How could you beg me to stay
Reach out your hands and plead
Then pack up your eyes and run away
As soon as I agreed?"

11. Try Not To Breathe - R.E.M.
"I will try not to burden you
I can hold these inside
I will hold my breath until all these shivers subside
Just look in my eyes
I will try not to bother you
I have seen things that you will never see
Just leave it to memory, me
I shudder to breathe..."

12. All Dressed Up - Veruca Salt
"You don't even notice me
Moving you like a ton of glaciers
You don't even notice me
Soothing you like a long lost sister
No you don't even care...
I'm all dressed up, and you're just a song..."

13. Hey Jupiter (Dakota version) - Tori Amos
"No one's picking up the phone
Guess it's clear he's gone
And this little masochist is lifting up her dress..."

14. To Be Free - Emiliana Torrini
"Once in a house on a hill
A boy got angry
He broke into my heart...
It shouldn't hurt me to be free
It's what I really need to hold myself together
But if it's so good being free, would you mind telling me
Why I don't know what to do with myself?"

15. Wasted Time (live) - The Eagles
"And the hours go by like minutes,
And the shadows come to stay
So you take a little something to make them go away...
Sometimes to keep it together, you got to leave it alone."

16. White Flag - Dido
"I know I left too much mess and destruction to come back again
I cause nothing but trouble
I understand if you can't talk to me again
And if you live by the rules of 'it's over' then I'm sure that that makes sense
But I will go down with this ship
I won't hold my hands up and surrender..."

17. Maybe - Kelly Clarkson
"Someday, when we're at the same place
When we're on the same road
When it's okay to hold my hand
Without feeling lost
Without all the excuses
When it's just because you love me, you let me, you need me
Then maybe...
Should know better than to touch the fire twice..."

18. I Hope Your Heart Runs Empty - Neverending White Lights w/ Scott Anderson
"Stole a look away from your eyes
Stole a look and finally paid your price
Tethered fresh, trampled thoughts, look for me
Look at this face
Everywhere there's new mistakes..."

19. Try, Try, Try - The Smashing Pumpkins
"And we have survived
Try to hold on
And no one should deny
We tried to hold on to the pulse of the feedback current
Into the flow of encrypted movement..."

20. It's All Over But The Crying - Garbage
"Certain things turn ugly when you think too hard
And nagging little thought change into things you can't turn off
Everything you think you know baby
Is wrong...
Now I can't walk back
I can't leave behind..."

21. The Scientist - Coldplay
"Nobody said it was easy
Oh it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said this was easy
But no one ever said it would be this hard
Oh take me back to the start..."

22. Konstantine (live) - Something Corporate
"My Konstantine
I watch her spin around me like a dream
We played out on this movie screen
And I said
Did you know I miss you...
I'll always miss you."

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"The lights wave goodbye..."

nobody@vox.com(Gothic Lolita) — Tue, 02 Jun 2009 03:21:57 -0400

Relevant in so many ways... Today would have been my grandfather's 70th birthday, if he lived to see it. And just as I was at a concert as he was passing slowly on, I will be at this band's show in 15 hours... For every loss, death or heartbreak, this speaks to me now.

Lights in the Sky - The Slip - NIN

She's mostly gone,

some other place.

I'm getting by,

in other ways.

Everything they whispered in our ears,

is coming true.

Try to justify the things,

I used to do.

Believe in you.

Watching you drown.

I follow you down.

I am here,

right beside you.

The lights in the sky

finally arrive.

I am staying,

right beside you.

I tried to stay away,

just in case.

I've come to realize,

we all have our place.

Time, time has a way you know,

to make it clear.

I have my role in this.

I can't disappear,

or leave you here.

Watching you drown,

I'll follow you down,

and I am here right beside you.

The lights in the sky,

are waving goodbye.

I am staying right beside you

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"How could you do nothing, and say 'I'm doing my best'?"

nobody@vox.com(Gothic Lolita) — Mon, 01 Jun 2009 14:50:26 -0400

Ani DiFranco - Done Wrong

"It just all slips
away so slowly
you don't even notice till you've lost a lot
I've been like one of those zombies
in vegas
pouring quarters into a slot
and now I'm tired
and I am broke
and I feel stupid and I feel used
and I'm at the end of my little rope
and I am swinging back and forth
about you

before it gets so cold
that the rain turns to snow
there's just a couple things
I'd like to know

like how could you do nothing
and say, I'm doing my best
how could you take almost everything
and then come back for the rest
how could you beg me to stay,
reach out your hands and plead
and then pack up your eyes and run away
as soon as I agreed?"
Done Wrong - Ani Difranco

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"I thought our story was epic... Spanning years and continents..."

nobody@vox.com(Gothic Lolita) — Sat, 30 May 2009 20:39:27 -0400

Everyone has a relationship, where things fluctuate, where things ebb and flow... And yet, it's meant to be. Or so you think.

But life has a way of upending things, of turning them on their heads and making yours spin into oblivion. Life has a way of leaving you standing alone, clinging to desperate wanting, desperate inner pleas inside your mind. You feel, so clearly, that to part will forever haunt you both. But there you are, turning around slowly and walking away from the one thing you wanted to hold onto, the one thing that mattered.

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind - The Scientist

Everyone wants to erase and rewind. Everyone wants that second chance. Sometimes, people just aren't willing to choose it. They say if you love something, you set it free; if it's meant to be yours, it will return again. I have never set someone free before with that aspiration, with that intent. When I have set someone free, it is usually because I cannot give them what they need or deserve, or they cannot ever measure up for me, so to string them along is cruelty. I have tasted the bitterness of setting free someone you would shackle yourself to, if you believed it would be a fruitful way to hang on to their light, and there is nothing worse. It taints everything: food, drink, sleep. You look in the mirror with loathing, with incredulous eyes wondering how you could do such a thing.

Logan & Veronica - Epic

Love isn't supposed to be sunshine and kittens, It isn't supposed to be blissful and easy. Love - true love, enduring love - is work. Love is loving the flaws, and not merely criticizing but wanting, more than anything, to watch another person grow to become the potential within, that dream they are afraid to reach out and take hold of. After all, no one writes songs about the ones that come easy.

But one person cannot work alone. The pyramids were not built by a single person, and nor is a good love. It's foolish to believe that you can hold the weight of the world upon your shoulders and not break your back eventually, no longer able to stand from the agony of that loneliness.

Sometimes, to understand what we have, we must lose it, or risk that loss. My only wish now, is for understanding.

Veronica Mars: I Hope Your Heart Runs Empty (LoVe)

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"We played out on this movie screen..."

nobody@vox.com(Gothic Lolita) — Thu, 15 Jan 2009 02:16:02 -0500

Something Corporate Live Ventura DvD Konstantine

Sometimes, I'm late to the musical party, and this song is one instance of that. I have liked Something Corporate and Jack's Mannequin for a while now, but I only finally heard this, one of the more infamous songs by SoCo, as the fangirls call them, in the last few months.

I'm in love with this version in particular. There's something about the delivery, about the moment, that breaks my heart and reminds me of timeless, epic love, the sort that withstands everything that the world throws at it. It reminds me of my grandparents and the love they shared, the love my grandmother keeps alive through her memories. It's the sort of love that can burn out if not tended carefully, as Andrew sings.

I worry and fear that my love will burn out, turn to ashes, leaving me dreaming in a living room, missing my own Konstantine. I worry this will be the story of my life, for I am a fire, always burning embers waiting to ignite with the right fuel. But if I become the one burned, a song this beautiful would win me back.

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High Fidelity 12: You Need To Be Released

nobody@vox.com(Gothic Lolita) — Wed, 24 Sep 2008 22:49:11 -0400

Destructive-Beauty

By request, a mix for the times when you feel as if you ought to come with a warning label stating, "Caution! Not worth the trouble! Excess baggage and emotional damage! Run, don't walk." Although frankly, I'd hardly label the requesting individual as such, I relate to the feeling all too well. Spanning covers and the full gamut of emotion from confusion over being someone's love to regretting being so difficult to love, this mix hits a little of this and that.

Comment if taking and please enjoy (and buy some CDs). *wink*

You Need To Be Released: Loving The Difficult To Love

1. Opheliac - Emilie Autumn
"You know how hard it can be to keep believing in me
When everything and everyone becomes my enemy and friend
There's nothing more you can do
I'm going to blame it on you..."

2. Miss World - Neverending White Lights
"I made my bed, I'll lie in it
I made my bed, I'll die in it..."

3. That's Me - Tara Maclean
"Caught on the floor now, with this bottle in my mind
In the confusion, it seemed the safest place to land...
Tied to the tracks, expecting the train
So much to lose and no one to blame but me..."

4. Quietly - Guano Apes
"Quietly explodes your love
Your insecurity is so soft to me...
I see you dying in my eyes..."

5. So Well - Damhnait Doyle
"I've got to lie about you as I scrawl on this stall
Why you treat me so well?
Why you treat me so goddamn well?"

6. I Got Trouble - Christina Aguilera
"I got a wicked taste for trouble
And I'm never, never satisfied
Yeah I'm a whole lot of trouble,
And my evil ways I can't hide..."

7. Fast As You Can - Fiona Apple
"Fast as you can baby
Run, free yourself from me
Fast as you can..."

8. Paint's Peeling - Rilo Kiley
"And last night, when my hands were choking you...
You said, "Hey, how can you love me this way?"

9. Even Deeper - Nine Inch Nails
"In a dream I'm a different me
With a perfect you
We fit perfectly
And for once in my life I feel complete
And I still want to ruin it..."

10. Release - The Tea Party
"If I desert you now, it's just to make you see
I want you to be free
I want you to be free from me..."

11. Ampersand - Amanda Palmer
"And I may be romantic, and I may risk my life for it
But I ain't gonna die for you
You know I ain't no Juliet..."

12. We're Both So Sorry - Mirah
"My subjects all adore me, but for this I had them banned
Now could I trade my guilt for a good flogging by your hand?"

13. Twinstar - Veruca Salt
"You want to lift me up, but you don't know and you don't see
I'm stuck in my ways..."

14. Wicked Ways - Garbage
"Lord knows that I tried to be good
I'd keep my promises if only I could..."

15. The Fine Art of Falling Apart - Matthew Good
"There ain't enough room in this world
For perfections like you and horrors like me..."

16. Bother - Stone Sour
"My flaws are open season
For this I gave up trying
One good turn deserves my dying..."

17. Full of Grace - Sarah McLachlan
"If all of the strength and all of the courage
Come and lift me from this place
I know I could love you much better than this..."

18. Maybe - Kelly Clarkson
"I'm confusing as hell
I'm north and south
And I'll probably never have it all figured out..."

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High Fidelity 11: Songs Of Twilight

nobody@vox.com(Gothic Lolita) — Mon, 22 Sep 2008 12:42:19 -0400

Twilight

"This is a mistake?" I heard sadness in my voice but I didn't know if he could hear it as well.
"A very dangerous one," he murmured.

Twilight - Stephenie Meyer

Long time, no see mix CD fans! Several mixes have drifted through the skull as of late, but being as I've been distracted in multiple directions, none have surfaced. Expect more in the future.

While whipping through the Twilight saga in four days of overnight shifts with nothing else to do save flip through the offerings on Scribd.com, certain songs began beckoning to me, insisting they 'belonged' to Edward and Bella, the hero and heroine of the series (and very soon, the Twilight film). In creating this mix, I attempted to focus on Twilight's story, ignoring songs that spoke of moments in New Moon, Eclipse or Breaking Dawn, and also challenged myself not to use songs contained in a friend's Edward and Bella mix (although several were painful to cut due to their sheer perfection of fit, like Death Cab For Cutie's I Will Follow You Into The Dark). I also tried to capture both parties' thoughts and feelings along the way. In my mind, Anywhere by Evanescence is the most perfect general love song for this duo, so sample it, if nothing else.

Enjoy and please comment if taking.

SONGS OF TWILIGHT: AN EDWARD AND BELLA MIX

1. No Rain - Blind Melon
"And I start to complain when there's no rain
And all I can do is read a book to stay awake
It rips my life away, but it's a great escape..."

2. The Walk - Imogen Heap
"You're as close as it gets without touching me
Oh now don't make it harder than it already is
I feel a weakness coming on
It's not meant to be like this, not what I planned at all..."

3. A Girl Like You - Edwyn Collins
"You give me just a taste, now I want more
And my hands are bleeding and my knees are raw...
I've never met a girl like you before."

4. Could I Be Your Girl? - Jann Arden
"Love is a demon and you're the one he's coming for - oh my lord
He's bringing sweet salvation - let temptation take you in...
I am worthless sounds compared to all your perfect words."

5. A Stranger - A Perfect Circle
"And I listen for the whisper of your sweet insanity
While formulating denials of your effect on me
You're a stranger, so what do I care?
You vanish today - not the first time I hear..."

6. Temptation - The Tea Party
"Driven by restrained desire
I want what I need
Shaken as her sex takes hold
I've lost all control..."

7. Do What You Have To Do - Sarah McLachlan
"I know I can't be with you
I do what I have to do
But I have the sense to recognize that
I don't know how to let you go..."

8. Dragon - Tori Amos
"Your wild card boy needs playing
Don't believe the lie - your dragon needs slaying
Won't you stay here with me and I will bring
Kisses for the beast..."

9. #1 Crush - Garbage
"I will burn for you, feel pain for you
I will twist the knife and bleed my aching heart
And tear it apart....
I will never be ignored..."

10. Anywhere - Evanescence
"I can't keep pretending that I don't even know you
When at sweet night, you are my own
Take my hand, we're leaving here tonight
There's no need to tell anyone; they'd only hold us down..."

11. A Place Called Home - PJ Harvey
"With you, I wait to be born again
With love comes the day
Just hold onto me...
One day there'll be a place for us..."

12. This Year's Love - David Gray
"This year's love had better last
Heaven knows it's high time
I've been waiting on my own too long...
Who's to worry if our hearts get torn?"

13. Stand Inside Your Love - Smashing Pumpkins
"You and me - meant to be
Immutable, impossible
It's destiny, pure lunacy
Incalculable, insufferable
But for the last time, I'm telling you
You're everything that I want and I dreamed..."

14. Time Is Running Out - Muse
"I tried to give you up, but I'm addicted
Now that you know I'm trapped
Sense of eleation
You'd never dream of breaking this fixation
But you will squeeze the life out of me..."

15. Sleeping With Ghosts - Placebo
"It seems it's written but we can't read between the lines
Hush, it's okay, dry your eye...
Soulmates never die..."

16. Dancing - Elisa
"I'm scared that even my own breath could burst it, if it were a bubble
And I'd better dream if I have to struggle
So I put my arms around you
And I hope that I will do no wrong..."

17. We're In This Together - Nine Inch Nails
"The two of us, all used and beaten up
Watching fate as it flows down the path we have chose
You and me, we're in this together now...
You're the queen and I'm the king
Nothing else means anything."

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"The Angels Are Calling And Calling..."

nobody@vox.com(Gothic Lolita) — Fri, 15 Aug 2008 02:36:21 -0400

Dedicated to my Nanny....

Bravely you let go of my hand
I can't speak yet you understand
Where I go now I go alone
This path I walk these days of stone

And the angels are calling

[Chorus:]
I must go away
Wait for me here
Silently stay
And don't ask me why
Only believe
This is not good bye

All of my strength all my desire
Still cannot melt this breath of fire
I go to meet some kind of test
Bury the truth that scars my chest
And the angels are calling and calling

[Chorus]

I gathered all my courage
I shaved off all my fear
With this banner on my shoulder
I hold your essence near

And the angels are calling and calling and calling

[Chorus]

This Is Not Goodbye - Melissa Etheridge

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"I put my arms around you..."

nobody@vox.com(Gothic Lolita) — Wed, 16 Jul 2008 20:50:25 -0400

Elisa Live-Dancing @ Vatican concert

"So I put my arms around you, around you
And I hope that I will do no wrong
My eyes are on you, they're on you
And I hope that you won't hurt me

I'm dancing in the room as if I were in the woods with you
No need for anything but music
Music's the reason why I know time still exists..."
Dancing - Elisa

Mary introduced me to this song and it's one of those songs I drift from, only to return to it again and remember just how simple the melody is and yet its emotional richness spins complex webs about my heart and mind.

Dancing is a form of release, of fun, of freedom, as we learned in Footloose, but it's also intimacy and intensity, an exposure, a sense of trust placed in another. We allow another to lead and for those of us scarred and burned by the flame of passion, it's a giving over of control not to be undertaken lightly. And in the arms of a good person, a partner who loves with a purity and faithfulness that seems unreal, such is its rarity now, dancing is a way of finding refuge and home in the storm of life's woes.

Saturday, I spent hours in that refuge, and smiled more than I have in weeks. The storms gave way, if only briefly, to a glimmer of sunlight. I belonged somewhere.

"The depth of life will dim my temptation to live for you
If I were to be alone, silence would rock my tears
'Cause it's all about love, and I know better
How life is a waving feather..."

Another version (solo piano):

Elisa Dancing live@Then comes the sun showcase

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"This ain't a love song..."

nobody@vox.com(Gothic Lolita) — Thu, 26 Jun 2008 20:52:28 -0400

High school romances were characterized by several key factors: brevity (usually), half-informed fumblings on couches while the parents of latch-key children worked to afford a modest level of comfort, and the sway-slow-dances to 'our song'.

'Our song'... It sometimes felt to me as if half of my 'relationships' were spent trying to select a song. By the time I reached 17, I'd begun to realize that the only relationships I'd had work out well were ones where I didn't have 'a song' with my mate. Either that, or Bon Jovi was cursed. Being an 80's baby caught in her teens at the resurgence of popularity the band experienced with the release of Keep The Faith and, later, These Days, I'd had 4 different Bon Jovi songs with 4 different guys, all of whom would likely deny ever listening to the band despite they being the ones selecting the songs (and serenading me with them), and they'd all ended horribly (a stalker, a would-be date rapist, and two horrible cheaters). I soon decided not to ever choose songs, since it always led to the tainting of a song that I enjoyed. Music being my lifeblood and my preferred form of creating an autobiography, I refused to lose any other casualties to the sonic war.

And then, years later, I found myself engaged at 25, in a relationship for 3 years without a song. Every couple has 'their dance' at a wedding, and I of course wanted mine. But to what song? There was no song playing when we'd met, when we'd kissed, when we'd first had sex. My fiance seldom took me dancing, to my dismay (while I don't go often, every few months I do enjoy cutting loose on the dance floor). After rummaging through my catalogue of 5000 MP3s, I settled on a few options and played them for my betrothed, with him finally settling down on Dance With You by Live. It seemed fitting, and it's a song I've long cherished as one of the most beautiful and honest descriptions of love in its purest form.

I thought I had that love. And then said love left shortly after for a bridesmaid. The curse began anew. I shunned a song that was once a 'desert island track' for a full year, because it had become a ticking time bomb exploding into lemon-drenched papercuts upon my soul.

And then, I decided to fight back. The song wasn't to blame for what had happened. None of these poor songs were. How could they have known what would happen? How could I have known? I had always listened to them with the best intentions, with genuine feelings and cliched swooning. Why give someone who has broken your heart, who has taken up your time without dessert, anything else that is precious?

I began to see the music as a reflection of the relationships themselves: horrid situations in which I attempted to become human origami and fold myself into a box that would never hold me. I continuously attempted to change my thoughts, my actions, my emotions and my personality to suit someone else's demands, instead of simply loving unconditionally and being loved in kind. And such relationships ultimately fail, because we are who we are. Our melodies, our words, our intents and our deliveries are what make us unique. All of life is a song, and we must sing to our keys, to our ranges, and to nothing else.

My current boyfriend and I have a song, but it is one with significance: it was part of a playlist we listened to when we finally kissed and became inseparable. For once, my song was not agonized over, bargained for or selected based on a top twenty countdown. It means something to us, and symbolizes all we have so far and all I look forward to. It is the personal ringtone that plays when he calls, and the first few notes bring a smile to my face without fail. But even if things fall apart, the song will still be beautiful and it will join the others in a playlist of memories of lessons learned and moved forward from.

What are your songs, past and present? Do you still listen to them? Have you experienced similar curses?

A playlist, of my songs, past and present:
http://www.youtube.com/view_play_list?p=45F0FC92A35E7B61

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