8 posts tagged “relationships”

Relevant in so many ways...  Today would have been my grandfather's 70th birthday, if he lived to see it.  And just as I was at a concert as he was passing slowly on, I will be at this band's show in 15 hours...  For every loss, death or heartbreak, this speaks to me now.

Lights in the Sky - The Slip - NIN

Everyone has a relationship, where things fluctuate, where things ebb and flow...  And yet, it's meant to be.  Or so you think. 

But life has a way of upending things, of turning them on their heads and making yours spin into oblivion.  Life has a way of leaving you standing alone, clinging to desperate wanting, desperate inner pleas inside your mind.  You feel, so clearly, that to part will forever haunt you both.  But there you are, turning around slowly and walking away from the one thing you wanted to hold onto, the one thing that mattered.

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind - The Scientist

Everyone wants to erase and rewind.  Everyone wants that second chance.  Sometimes, people just aren't willing to choose it.  They say if you love something, you set it free;  if it's meant to be yours, it will return again.  I have never set someone free before with that aspiration, with that intent.  When I have set someone free, it is usually because I cannot give them what they need or deserve, or they cannot ever measure up for me, so to string them along is cruelty.  I have tasted the bitterness of setting free someone you would shackle yourself to, if you believed it would be a fruitful way to hang on to their light, and there is nothing worse.  It taints everything:  food, drink, sleep.  You look in the mirror with loathing, with incredulous eyes wondering how you could do such a thing.

Logan & Veronica - Epic

Love isn't supposed to be sunshine and kittens,  It isn't supposed to be blissful and easy.  Love - true love, enduring love - is work.  Love is loving the flaws, and not merely criticizing but wanting, more than anything, to watch another person grow to become the potential within, that dream they are afraid to reach out and take hold of.  After all, no one writes songs about the ones that come easy. 

But one person cannot work alone.  The pyramids were not built by a single person, and nor is a good love.  It's foolish to believe that you can hold the weight of the world upon your shoulders and not break your back eventually, no longer able to stand from the agony of that loneliness.

Sometimes, to understand what we have, we must lose it, or risk that loss.  My only wish now, is for understanding.

Veronica Mars: I Hope Your Heart Runs Empty (LoVe)

Another request:  a mix for breaking up, picking the pieces up and moving forward stronger for the lessons learned, tailored for the time of year.

Those who know me well will see certain artists seem to be missing; I challenged myself to, as much as possible, step outside the requester's usual listening choices.  Tori Amos, however, was obligatory.

Love for you, A.

Destructive-Beauty

By request, a mix for the times when you feel as if you ought to come with a warning label stating, "Caution!  Not worth the trouble!  Excess baggage and emotional damage!  Run, don't walk."  Although frankly, I'd hardly label the requesting individual as such, I relate to the feeling all too well.  Spanning covers and the full gamut of emotion from confusion over being someone's love to regretting being so difficult to love, this mix hits a little of this and that.

Comment if taking and please enjoy (and buy some CDs).  *wink*

Fast As You Can (Live from NYC)

"I let the beast in too soon, I don't know how to live
Without my hand on his throat; I fight him always and still
Oh darling, it's so sweet, you think you know how crazy
How crazy I am
You say you don't spook easy, you won't go, but I know
And I pray that you will
Fast as you can, baby runfree yourself of me
Fast as you can
I may be soft in your palm but I'll soon grow
Hungry for a fight, and I will not let you win
My pretty mouth will frame the phrases that will
Disprove your faith in man
So if you catch me trying to find my way into your
Heart from under your skin
Fast as you can, baby scratch me out, free yourself
Fast as you can..."

Fast As You Can - Fiona Apple

It's often said that with age comes wisdom, that time heals all wounds, that we grow and mature...

I suppose that's how it's supposed to play out, but I can't say that holds completely true for myself.  With every step forward. I find myself falling three backwards, or so it seems.  With every kind gesture, I find myself fearibng the day I spitefully act towards the giver, shoving them forcefully back with words so harsh they wish they hadn't tried, all the while finding myself choking on and swallowing my foot, hoping the Heimlich fails this time.

Such venom from such supposedly pretty things is nature's way of being sneaky, of fooling us all.  Is this natural then, or am I struggling to force it into a box, compartmentalize it neatly, and call a spade a diamond? 

Dedicated to my Nanny....

This Is Not Goodbye - Melissa Etheridge

High school romances were characterized by several key factors:  brevity (usually), half-informed fumblings on couches while the parents of latch-key children worked to afford a modest level of comfort, and the sway-slow-dances to 'our song'.

'Our song'...  It sometimes felt to me as if half of my 'relationships' were spent trying to select a song.  By the time I reached 17, I'd begun to realize that the only relationships I'd had work out well were ones where I didn't have 'a song' with my mate.  Either that, or Bon Jovi was cursed.  Being an 80's baby caught in her teens at the resurgence of popularity the band experienced with the release of Keep The Faith and, later, These Days, I'd had 4 different Bon Jovi songs with 4 different guys, all of whom would likely deny ever listening to the band despite they being the ones selecting the songs (and serenading me with them), and they'd all ended horribly (a stalker, a would-be date rapist, and two horrible cheaters).  I soon decided not to ever choose songs, since it always led to the tainting of a song that I enjoyed.  Music being my lifeblood and my preferred form of creating an autobiography, I refused to lose any other casualties to the sonic war.

And then, years later, I found myself engaged at 25, in a relationship for 3 years without a song.  Every couple has 'their dance' at a wedding, and I of course wanted mine.  But to what song?  There was no song playing when we'd met, when we'd kissed, when we'd first had sex.  My fiance seldom took me dancing, to my dismay (while I don't go often, every few months I do enjoy cutting loose on the dance floor).  After rummaging through my catalogue of 5000 MP3s, I settled on a few options and played them for my betrothed, with him finally settling down on Dance With You by Live.  It seemed fitting, and it's a song I've long cherished as one of the most beautiful and honest descriptions of love in its purest form.

I thought I had that love.  And then said love left shortly after for a bridesmaid.  The curse began anew.  I shunned a song that was once a 'desert island track' for a full year, because it had become a ticking time bomb exploding into lemon-drenched papercuts upon my soul. 

And then, I decided to fight back.  The song wasn't to blame for what had happened.  None of these poor songs were.  How could they have known what would happen?  How could I have known?  I had always listened to them with the best intentions, with genuine feelings and cliched swooning.  Why give someone who has broken your heart, who has taken up your time without dessert, anything else that is precious?

I began to see the music as a reflection of the relationships themselves:  horrid situations in which I attempted to become human origami and fold myself into a box that would never hold me.  I continuously attempted to change my thoughts, my actions, my emotions and my personality to suit someone else's demands, instead of simply loving unconditionally and being loved in kind.   And such relationships ultimately fail, because we are who we are.  Our melodies, our words, our intents and our deliveries are what make us unique.  All of life is a song, and we must sing to our keys, to our ranges, and to nothing else. 

My current boyfriend and I have a song, but it is one with significance:  it was part of a playlist we listened to when we finally kissed and became inseparable.  For once, my song was not agonized over, bargained for or selected based on a top twenty countdown.  It means something to us, and symbolizes all we have so far and all I look forward to.  It is the personal ringtone that plays when he calls, and the first few notes bring a smile to my face without fail.  But even if things fall apart, the song will still be beautiful and it will join the others in a playlist of memories of lessons learned and moved forward from.

What are your songs, past and present?  Do you still listen to them?  Have you experienced similar curses?

A playlist, of my songs, past and present:
http://www.youtube.com/view_play_list?p=45F0FC92A35E7B61